Funny Stuff

Here is some stuff that I think is funny. Your sense of humor may vary.

Lots of funny things get forwarded and forwarded. If I grab something whose origin is unclear, I'll list the final forwarder here. If I can identify the source, I will. Contributors: Brian, Chuck, David, Debbie, Geoff, Guy (Guy's back), Heather, Ilana, Irwin, Jon, Karen, Larry, Laura's Mom, Mark, Mary, Maurice, Matt & Claire's boys, Miriam, my mom, Paul, Randy, Rick, Rosanna (Who sent the image to the left), Sam, Shari, Trammell, and Wally.

Joke of the Day (Week, month --- depending on when I get back to this)


Joke Categories Groups of Jokes Ethnic Funny Stuff Funny Links
Joke of the Day
Double Jokes
Jokes about Jokes
Geek Jokes
Interrupting Cows
Blue Humor
Aging Humor
Geek Humor
Four Catholic Mothers
Jews in Utah
Zen Judiasm
New Jewish Words
Zen and Life
Airport Security
The Joke's on You
Jokes of Yesterdays
Anguish Languish
Sartre Cookbook
Philosophical Humor
For Lexophiles
Web Stuff


These are the favorites of my family and friends. I've taken the liberty of editing here and there.

My dad used to tell this joke.
I laugh at a joke three times: first, when I hear it, a second time, when it is explained, and again when I figure it out.

My daughter Shari shared her favorite joke.
Three friends were hiking in the desert; one was French, one was German, and one was Jewish.
The French friend remarked, "I'm so thirsty ... I must have a glass of wine!"
The German friend responded, "I'm so thirsty ... I must have a mug of beer!"
The Jewish friend joined, "I'm so thirsty ... I must have diabetes!"

My daughter Ilana shared her favorite joke.
Parent shrimp: Why aren't you better at sharing your toys?
Kid shrimp: I'm just a little shell-fish.

My friend David shared his favorite story.
Four economists and four accountants meet on the train, all heading to the first day of a finance conference. As the train begins its route, all four economists pile into a single restroom. When the conducter knocks on the restroom door, "Ticket please!", a hand with a single ticket emerges, which she takes. The accountants are suitably impressed with the celverness of the economists. The next day, the group meets again, and all four economists once again pile into a single restroom. However, only three of the four accountants enter the restroom on the other side of the car. A minute later, the remaining accountant bangs on the economists' restroom door, "Ticket please!"

I have yet to share David's uncle's favorite joke.

An old friend (who wishes to remain nameless) shared her favorite riddle. Oh my, did I give away her gender? It's not like I revealed she's a doctor. Opps! Well, there are lots of radiologists in Florida.
Q: Why did the blond have a bruised navel?
A: Her boyfriend was blond, too.

My friend Irwin shared his favorite joke, and he credits Memory Fitness, A Guide for Successful Aging, by Gilles Einstein and Mark McDaniel.
Two old couples get together for dinner. After dinner, the men sit talking at one end of the table and the women at the other. One of the men says, "Last week I did this great seminar on memory. They taught us lots of useful techniques for remembering phone numbers, names, and other things." The other asks, "Oh. That sounds useful. I'd like to try that. What was the name of the seminar?" "It was, um, ah, er, ...Oh, what about, no, hold on, um, er, shoot, ... Oh, I know. What's the name of that flower with long stems and thorns?" "A rose?" "Yeah, that's it," he replied. Then he called down to his wife at the other end of the table. "Hey, Rose. What was the name of that memory seminar?"

My friend Mary shared her favorite joke. This is also my friend Brian's favorite.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.

My mom shared her favorite joke.
As I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist, I noticed the name on the diploma, and I suddenly remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy that had been in my high school class. Could he be the same fellow I had a secret crush on some forty-odd years ago? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. "Yes, yes, I did. I'm a mustang," he gleamed with pride. "When did you graduate?" I asked. "In 1959," he replied. "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, bald, wrinkled, fat, gray, old man asked me, "What did you teach?"

My friend Guy shared his favorite joke.
Is "Johnny Carson" his real name?
Is "Johnny Carson" whose real name?

My friend Rick shared his favorite joke.
What did the hat rack say to the hat?
I'll stay here, but you go on a head.

My friend Miriam shared her favorite joke.
A woman sits down next to an attractive man and says, "You look just like my fifth husband." The man replies, "Your fifth husband? How many times have you been married?" She continues, "Four."

My friend Mark shared his favorite joke.
A man wakes up one morning and there's a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." Soon enough the gorilla remover arrives with a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his nuts and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks me off the roof ... shoot the dog!"

When asked his favorite joke, my friend Paul related this story to help me understand Australian humor.
Paul lives in Australia, where he observed the following sign in the window of a bar: Free Beer Tomorrow. Paul also reported a sign at the Airport: We take New Zealand Seriously - Someone has to!

My friend Geoff shared his version of The World's Funniest Joke.
A panicked call is recieved at 911: "Help! I'm hunting, and my fellow hunter is dead. I don't know what to do?" "Calm down." The emergency operator directs. "First of all, let's make sure he's dead." - PAUSE - BANG! - "OK, now what?"

My friend Maurice shared his favorite joke.
In 1937, two Russians were listening to Stalin on the radio. "Why are you rolling your eyes?" the first asked. "For the same reason you're rolling your eyes," came the reply. "In that case, it is my socialist responsibility to arrest you!"

My friend Larry shared his favorite joke.
Women earn less than men because women tend to apply for lower paying jobs than men. Top earning men apply for such jobs as doctor, lawyer, and CEO. Top earning women apply for such jobs as female doctor, female lawyer, and female CEO.

One of my favorites from my undergrad days:
Descartes walks into a cafe and sits down. "Would you like some coffee?" the server asks. "I think not," and - POOF! - Descartes disappears.

Now I prefer this one:
Sartre orders, "I'd like coffee with no cream, please." The server replies, "I'm sorry; we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"


Did you hear about the yoga master that had a root canal without any pain killers? She was able to trancend dental medication.

Three brothers decided to start a cattle ranch, but could not agree on what to call it. Their dad suggested "Focal Point" because ... that's where the sun's rays meet.

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Mahatma Gandhi developed very tough feet from walking barefoot, and due to his spare and odd diet, he grew frail and developed bad breath. He was a ... super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.

Q: What's the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
A: One's a crusty bus station ... and the other's a busty crustacean.

Double Jokes

What did the guru say to the hot dog seller? Make me one with everything.

So, the guru gave him a twenty, and the seller returned no cash. The guru asked, "Where's my change?" to which the seller replied, "Change comes from within."

Jokes about Jokes

A Belgian wrestler, a bald priest, and a string walk into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Is this some sort of joke?"

The following joke about jokes and double joke is also told in the context of a comedy convention.

It was a wardens first day on the job, and one of the guards was taking him on a tour of the prison complex. As they approached the cell blocks, the warden could hear laughter. Upon their entering, one of the prisoners yelled "47!". To the wardens surprise, the other prisoners burst into hysterics. "21!" called another prisoner, and again the inmates collapsed into gales of laughter. "What the devil is going on?" asked the warden. "Well you see, sir," replied the guard, "the prisoners have worked out a system of numbering all their jokes to save the effort of having to retell them. It works quite well. Why don't you have a go, sir?" "Well, OK," said the warden, tentatively. "35!" Dead silence. "I think it was the way you told it, sir." said the guard. "Why don't you try again?" "115!" yelled the warden, and the prisoners and the guard absolutely exploded into huge gales of hysterical laughter. "What's the matter?" asked the warden. "Sorry, sir." chuckled the guard, wiping his eyes. "It's just that we haven't heard that one before."

Geek Jokes

Q: What is the integral of d(cabin)/cabin?
A: Boathouse (log cabin + C)

Q: What do you call a collection of dancers that commutes to practice every day?
A: An abelian troupe.

Q: What's purple and commutes?
A: An abelian grape.

Q: How can you tell if a computer geek is an extrovert?
A: When they speak to you, they stare at your shoes.

Interrupting Cows

A couple of years ago we were visiting my brother Neil's family, and his son Sam told the first joke in the following group to my three girls, all younger than Sam. It's a tough joke for a young kid to tell well, and Sam told it well. We practiced it the whole way home to Boston. I later found related jokes in circulation (there are even more).

Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Interrupting cow.
Inter ...Moo-moo!

Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Impatient cow - Moo-moo!

Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Interrupting dyslexic cow.

Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Interrupting Starfish.
Inter... [spread fingers placed over face]

Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Interrupting dyslexic rabbi.
Inter... Yo yo yo!

Blue Humor

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face, and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered that question... ."

A woman, while shopping for high fashion at a chic boutique, finds a particularly slinky number. "Is this too low cut for me?" "The only way to know is to try it on," came the answer. She dons the outfit and asks again, "Well? Is this too low cut?" "That depends," came the reply, "Do you have any hair on your chest?"

How can you tell if you're with a nurse, a school teacher, or a flight attendant? A nurse says, "Relax. This won't hurt a bit." A school teacher says, "That was pretty good, but we're going to do it again and again until we get it right." A flight attendant says, "Just hold this over your mouth and nose and continue to breathe normally."

What's the difference between a prostitute, a lover and a spouse? A prostitute says, "Faster, baby; faster!" A lover says, "Slower, baby; slower!" A spouse says, "Beige. I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, connect, and end up leaving together. When they get to his place, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears: hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. She is surprised that he would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but decides not to mention it and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. After a night of intense passion with Mr. Sensitive, as they lie cuddling together, she smiles and asks, "How was it for you?" He smiles and replies, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

She is making boiled eggs in the kitchen when he walks in and asks "What's for breakfast?" She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment." Although not expecting to cook that morning, he's glad to make a little bacon to go with the eggs. Afterwards he asks her, "What was that all about?" She replies, "The egg timer's broken!"

Aging Humor

An old man was sitting on a park bench, sobbing, and a young man walked up, sat down next to him, and asked him what was wrong. Through his tears the old man replied, "I'm in love with a woman, and we really like each other." "Yes ...," came the reply. "We met just three weeks ago," the old man continued, "and we really like each other." "That sounds great!" replied the young man. "She's beautiful and much younger than I am," the old man pressed on, "and we really like each other." "I understand," the young man sympathized. "You don't have to say the words. You're afraid that you won't be able to satisfy her sexually." "That's not it at all!" the elder retorted. "She moved in with me last week. We have sex in the morning; we have sex in the afternoon; and we have sex in the evening. We're very compatible. In fact, she's at the apartment right now, just waiting for me." "In that case, I can't imagine what the problem is," the younger admitted. "I can't remember where I live."

One day, a man buys himself some expensive alligator shoes. When he comes home from work, he doesn't want to tell his wife about the shoes; he wants her to notice them. So, when she greets him with a kiss, he backs her off, "Just a second sweetheart. Take a look at me. Do you notice anything different?" She looks him over and responds, "No dear, what is it?" "Hold on, hold on ... ," he persists as he takes off his coat and hat, "Now do you notice anything a little different?" "She looks him up and down once again, but can't pick out the shoes, "Did you buy a new tie?" "OK, OK, ... just a sec," he says as he heads to the bedroom. He returns a minute later naked, except for his brand new alligator shoes. "Now honey ... NOW do you notice anything?" A bit exasperated, she says, "Dear, you look just like the man I married forty-five years ago." "HONEY!!! Honey ... where's my thing pointing?" "Oh! I see now. You bought some new shoes. They're very nice ... but ... you should have bought a hat."

A seventy year-old extremely wealthy widower shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy twenty-five year-old blond who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over his arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "How'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" he replies. They're bowled over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age," he replies. "What, did you tell her? That you were only fifty?" He smiles and explains, "No, I told her I was ninety!"

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got. The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, dumb ass! Get in." Old age and treachery will overcome youth and confidence ... every time!

Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself. "You know, Harvey," she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenburg!" She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself." Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

The Amazing Zamboni: A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Zamboni." The salesman bought a ticket and sat under the bigtop. There, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts. Standing next to it was an old man, Zamboni. Suddenly, Zamboni dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member, and smashed the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd went wild and carried Zamboni off on their shoulders.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus, and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Zamboni." He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on Zamboni's table. The Amazing Zamboni suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. Again the crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting after the show. "You're incredible!" he told Zamboni, "but I have to ask you something. I saw your act fifteen years ago, and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?" "Well," said Zamboni, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."

An elderly couple is having problems remembering things, so they decide to go to their doctor for a checkup. They describe the problems they are having with their memory to the doctor. After his examination, the kindly doctor tells them that they are physically fine and that some memory loss is a natural part of the aging process. He suggests that they might want to start making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanks the doctor and leaves.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair, and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen." "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" she asks. "Sure, honey." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" "No. I can remember that." But before he has turned to go, his wife says, "Well, since you're going anyway, I'd like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down, because I know you'll forget that." "I can remember that - you want a bowl of ice cream with some strawberries." Then she adds, "I would also like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that, so you'd better write it down." Steam creeping into his voice, her husband replies, "I don't need to write that down. I can remember that." And he stalks off into the kitchen.

Twenty-five minutes later he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment, shakes her head and says, "I knew it, I knew it! You forgot my toast!"

At eighty-five years of age, Roger marries Jenny, a lovely twenty-five year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger would have separate bedrooms. She is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens, and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well; Roger takes leave of his bride; and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger again! He is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

Jenny is set to go to sleep again, but --- you guessed it --- Roger Is back a third time, rapping on the door, as fresh as a twenty-five year-old, ready for more action, and once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were good only once. You are truly a great lover, Roger."

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and asks, "You mean I was here already?"

Geek Humor

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician were having coffee at an outdoor cafe across the street from a house. The group watched as two people entered the house, and then a little while later as three people emerged. The physicist remarked first, "That is what I call experimental error." The biologist countered, "No; we have just witnessed reproduction." The mathematician added, "I'm not sure about any of that, but I can assure you that if anyone enters the house, it will be totally empty."

A mathematician and an engineer attended a lecture on geometry in thirteen-dimensional space. "How did you like it?" the mathematician asked. "My head's spinning", the engineer confessed. "How can anyone develop intuition for thirteen-dimensional space?" "Well, it's not difficult." She explained. "Just visualize an arbitrary n-dimensional space, and then set n to 13."

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician were having coffee at an outdoor cafe across the street from a house. The group watched as two people entered the house, and then a little while later as three people emerged. The physicist remarked first, "That is what I call experimental error." The biologist countered, "No; we have just witnessed reproduction." The mathematician added, "I'm not sure about any of that, but I can assure you that if anyone enters the house, it will be totally empty."

From the Sunday Boston Globe ... . There's a group of us who work at MIT who regularly ride the commuter rail together. There are not enough conductors to staff all of the doors, so occasionally, when a train pulls into Porter Square for the evening ride home, one of us on the platform will reach up and open the door. Most conductors ignore this do-it-yourself railroading. But one day, a conductor standing farther down the platform yelled to one of the gang. " Get away from that door!" My colleague yelled back, "It's OK - we're from MIT. We're semiconductors."

Two mathematicians and a statistician are hunting in the woods. The first mathematician sees a deer and shoots for it, but misses by 2 meters to the right. The second mathematician shoots for it, but misses 2 meters to the left. The statistician says "We got it!!"

Ethnic Jokes


Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we will may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our charity pledge check to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?" "Oy, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a check for the Synagogue Building Fund this month," he asks? " Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't sent that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in forty years. Esther pulls away and asks him, " So, why did you kiss me?" Abe answers, "They'll find us."

Four Catholic Mothers

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace '."

The third woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied, well hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."

Jews in Utah

Shmulik, a religious Jew as well as a financial genius, left Brooklyn for a job as CEO of a brokerage firm in Utah. The pressure from the directors was immense: "We can't have a Jew running the business - we're religious Mormons here," they said. The chair took Shmulik aside for a talk and explained unequivocally that he would have to convert if he wanted to hold on to his honorable (not to mention six-figure-earning) position. Shmulik had no choice. However difficult it might be to convert, it was less difficult than losing this great job. He went home and told his wife, "It's simple. From this Sunday on, we'll be going to church with the kids".

So passed a good few months, but his wife wouldn't stop nagging him saying, "It's so difficult for me, I miss Shabbat, lighting candles, kiddush, festivals... you know money isn't everything, Shmulik." The more she nagged him, the more Shmulik's conscience bothered him too.

Finally, he'd had enough. He went back to the president of the company and said "Listen, I can't go on like this, my guilt is eating me up inside. Money isn't everything. I can't even sleep at night, and neither can my wife. It's too much for me - I was born a Jew, and I want to die a Jew. If you want me to quit, I'll leave without making a fuss." The president looked at him in amazement and said "Listen Samuel, [that's what they called him in Utah], I had no idea it was so tough for you. I figured changing religions would be a simple thing. You've been a great asset to the company. We need you here. Stay Jewish as you wish. Don't worry, I'll take care of the rest".

Shmulik went home with a thrill in his heart and a spring in his step and ran to his wife (who was on the couch watching Ricki Lake) and said, "Tzipporah, you won't believe it, a miracle happened! We're going back to being Jews, and it's OK! I talked to my boss and he's letting me keep my job!" Tzippy (that's what they called her in Brooklyn) looked at him with eyes spitting fire and said "Tell me, are you nuts!!!!!!!????!!" Shmuel looked at her in shock. But...but I thought that was what you wanted all along, what you were crying to me about day and night. What? You don't want to go back to being Jewish?" Tzippy looked even more upset and said "Of course I do - but now?!?!?! Only 3 days before Pesach?!?!?!?"

Zen Judiasm

  1. If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
  2. Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
  3. Drink tea and nourish life. With the first With the second... satisfaction. With the third, peace. With the fourth, a danish.
  4. Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
  5. Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
  6. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single "oy."
  7. There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited.And whose fault was that?
  8. Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes.
  9. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides.
  10. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.
  11. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this, and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
  12. Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
  13. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
  14. Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.
  15. To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
  16. To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: Get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?
  17. Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
  18. The Torah says, "Love thy neighbor as thyself." The Buddha says there is no "self." So, maybe you are off the hook.
  19. The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?
  20. Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain, though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away, yet shall you meditate and not stir until you have attained full Enlightenment. But first, a little nosh.

New Jewish Words

  1. Jewbilation (n.) Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.
  2. Torahfied (n.) Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.
  3. Santa-shmanta (n.) The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of the neighbors celebrate Christmas.
  4. Matzilation (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
  5. Bubbegum (n.) Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.
  6. Chutzpapa (n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.
  7. Déjà Nu (n.) Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face, but not knowing exactly when.
  8. Disoriyenta (n.) When Aunt Linda gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
  9. Goyfer (n.) A Gentile messenger.
  10. Hebort (v.) To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.
  11. Jewdo (n.) A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.
  12. Mamatzah Balls (n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to make.
  13. Meinstein - slang. "My son, the genius!"
  14. Mishpochadots (n.) The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
  15. Re-shtetlement (n.) Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.
  16. Rosh Hashana-na-na (n.) A rock 'n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn.
  17. Yidentify (v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor.
  18. Minyastics (n.) Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a Minyan.
  19. Feelawful (n.) Indigestion from eating Israeli street food, especially falafel.
  20. Dis-kvellified (v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.
  21. Impasta (n.) A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.
  22. Kinders Shlep (v.) To transport other kids besides yours in your car.
  23. Schmuckluck (n.) Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.
  24. Shofarsogut (n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
  25. Trayffic Accident (n.) An appetizer one finds out has pork.

Zen and Life

  1. "Be a fundamentalist, make sure fun always comes before the mental. Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be cancelled. A laugh track has been provided and the reason why we are put in the material world is to get more material. Have a good laughsitive twice a day and that will insure regularhilarity.
  2. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift - just for entering. So you are already a winner!
  3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision. That is where I tell a vision to you, and you tell a vision to me
  4. Life is like photography. You use the negative to develop.
  5. As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought particles tend to get caught between our ears, causing a condition called truth decay. So be sure to use your truth brush and mental floss twice a day. And when you're tempted to practice tantrum yoga, remember what we teach in the Absurdiveness Training Class: "Don't get even, get odd."
  6. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you, and you no mad at me. That way, there will surely be nomadness on the planet. And peace begins with each of us. A little peace here, a little peace there, pretty soon all the peaces will fit together to make one big peace everywhere.
  7. I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future, so if you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple. When you find a fault, just don't dwell on it.
  8. There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train the world, and we'll never have to change it again.
  9. Everything I have told you is channeled. That way, if you don't like it, it's not my fault. And remember, enlightenment is not a bureaucracy. You don't have to go through channels.
  10. Finally, if you're looking to find the key to the universe, I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is - there is no key to the Universe. The good news is - it was never locked."

Airport Security

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

The Joke's on You

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

Jokes of Yesterdays

All the jokes in this section were once my Joke of the Day.

Skinny Dipping... An elderly man in West Virginia had owned a large farm with a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." He held up the bucket and continued, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband responded, "Oh my God! What should I pack? Beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out!"

A mother was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her teenage son. Suddenly the boy burst into the kitchen.

Careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful!! ... CAREFUL!! I said BE CAREFUL!!! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry Up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!!
The mother stared at him. "What's wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs??" The son calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm trying to play soccer."

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example, if she is ovulating, most women are attracted to a man with rugged and masculine features. If she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and duct tape over his mouth while he is on fire. No further studies are expected.

A man showed up at the synagogue on Kol Nidre (Yom Kippur eve) to deliver a message to his friend Cohen, but an usher stopped him at the door to check his ticket. "I don't have a ticket." the man explained. "I just need to speak to Cohen for a minute; it's very important." "You know," the usher replied, "we don't usually require tickets, but on the High Holidays ..." "I understand," the man continued, "but this is very important and urgent. I just need to speak to Cohen for a minute." "Okay," agreed the usher, "but if I catch you praying, you're in a lot of trouble!"

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it might be time for marriage. But before tying the knot, they went out for a heart to heart talk over dinner about whether it would really work out. They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on. Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say that I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his glasses, he casually asked, "Was that one word or two?"

  1. Why did the chicken cross the road?
    To lay it on the line.
  2. Why does it take longer to build a male snowman than a female snowman?
    Because you have to hollow out the head.

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